This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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