I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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