I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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