I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
