Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
one might say we're banned from that church
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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