dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
