none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize