Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Rumble strips road head = magical
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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