I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
