Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
