Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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