Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
