this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
