I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
