just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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