John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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