Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
