this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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