Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
