why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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