she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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