What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
