Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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