nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
