I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
