dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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