I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
