Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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