Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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