I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just want to make out with him forever
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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