I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
