We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
