I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
