It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Randomize
