you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I want her autograph on my taint
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
