it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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