i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
