I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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