I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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