...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
