but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
