God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
one might say we're banned from that church
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
