So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
