I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
