paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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