apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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