Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize