Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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