OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize