Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
