Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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