just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
