So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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