What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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