Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
