AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
