Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
