the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
