My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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