does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
