So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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