I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
A+ Viking dick
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
