His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
