Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I showed him my bush... on skype.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
